Losing Control in your Life

Losing control is an unexplainable feeling well to me anyway, it feels like getting the rug pulled out from under you, it's the words forming in your mind then in an instant no words can come to you to form a sentence...it's messy and treacherous.

This year has tested me in ways I thought would be unimaginable however what I've come to realise and still try to accept; they are simply out of my control. All my fears and anxieties are based have stemed from people in my life. Being betrayed and not understood from the people closest to you is the most hurtful thing in the world as you suddenly just feel alone and start to question what was real and what wasn't?

Everyday I wake up trying to be a better person; more kind, more patient, more understanding but I've realised the people in my life are stopping me from growing and halting what I want to become. You'd think I could just walk away but I've always struggled with letting go and most of all change and what that entails. I hope one day I wake truly feeling happy. How can something be so simple but so complicated to achieve?

I've lived my life with a little voice in my head saying 'what will people think?' or 'how will this choice affect them?' and this way of thinking gas just been exhausting. My life is out of control and I'm the only one to relieve that. I can't control what other people do to me or how they treat me and I never will but I can control how I carry myself and how I react to them. 

Yesterday broke my heart. Abuse in any shape of its ugly form is wrong. Period. However, someone very close to me does not see this. She sees a man she met when she was 18. She does not see a man who verbally and emotionally abused us for years. She does not see a man who physically hit her leading to stitches on her face. Instead she sees a man who lies through his teeth, who promises this time will be different that he has changed and that we can be a normal family again. I do not see this. I see echoes of the past and pulling me from my future and present to drag me back. There are no winners but him in this situation. I don't know what's going to happen and I'm sick of being scared to find out either. At the moment, I feel fragile, scared and not listened to. I feel alone with no one to understand what I am saying and what I'm trying to protect.

Yesterday I found out I am truly alone in this world. I have friends and other family members but being betrayed by the person I care for most in this world is heart wrenching but I hope he is worth it as I now know all too well I wasn't.

If anyone does read this and can relate to anything I've written I wish you find peace and never underestimate the power of your own strength. This is what I will now try and do.

N