Single Shaming - Enough is Enough!

From the common use of the term spinster to Emma Watson's insistence that she's "self-partnered", being a single woman or femme is still very much frowned upon by many. Despite there being tons of benefits to being single, loads of fun activities you can do as a single person, and reams of relatable single memes to lol along with, so many people seem to think that if you are single you have failed.

I'm sure in our heart of hearts, that we all know our value isn't defined by our romantic partners. That we are just as fun, hot, clever, interesting as any of our friends who are shacked up and in love. But it can be easy to forget that, when all around us we see messages that make us feel like single = lesser than. This phenomenon, of being made to feel like shit for being without a partner is known as single shaming. It can be done to us, and we can even be guilty of doing it to ourselves.

While single-shaming has always been A Thing, reports of single-shaming are increasing. New research from Match has found that 52 per cent of people have experienced single-shaming since the start of the pandemic. Almost two fifths (38 per cent) say they’ve been pitied for not having a partner, and living alone (30 per cent), despite 59 per cent feeling content with their relationship status.

Questions from seemingly concerned friends and family about their love lives are coming thick(er) and fast(er), with 37 per cent of single people saying they've noticed an increase in questions of this nature. And one in five (20 per cent) say it makes them feel as though they need a partner to be successful. Comments like "you deserve happiness" are particularly grating due to the implication that this indicated someone is unhappy because they are single. 

Single shaming comes from the idea that being single is somehow 'lesser' to being in a relationship. This may be expressed as a well-meaning (albeit misjudged) compliment to a downright rude comment. Whether it comes from a nosy relative or a smug coupled-up friend, these comments can imply that there's something inherently strange about being a woman who is single by choice. his notion of course can be traced back to the traditional (read: patriarchal) idea that a woman should be judged by her marital status. It’s often the first question people can ask before even thinking to ask about your career, friends or other parts of your life you might care about.

First of all, take a deep breath! for when someone makes a single shaming comment. These comments can be presumptuous and unwanted, it's wrong to assume the person who said it meant to hurt or offend you. Unfortunately, most people have been raised in a society where it is totally normal to ask quite invasive questions about your relationship status as part of a getting-to-know-you conversation.

If you’re a single person who is actively looking for a committed relationship and are struggling with the modern dating scene, a single shaming comment can really touch a nerve. First of all, remember that these comments are never a reflection on you - they usually come from people who have a different experience of life and don't always see your perspective.

So what should you do when someone single shames you? I would recommend avoiding getting angry and instead try to be nondescript about your dating life. You can shrug and say, 'I guess I haven't met the right person yet,' or even, 'Not at the moment - how's your work going?' to move the conversation on.

If someone takes this one step further and it becomes clear that their intention is to be hurtful, try not to rise to the occasion by becoming defensive. You can respond by being honest with how you feel, but don’t feel that you need to justify yourself. Again, a short response will suffice to nip the uncomfortable conversation in the bud and to communicate that you’re self-assured about your life.

How to avoid single shaming yourself

Single life, just like with relationships, can be a rollercoaster of highs and lows. Just like people in couples sometimes wish they were single, single people may sometimes with they had someone to spend time with.

Remind yourself to worry less and enjoy the great things that are unique to being single – in particular the unparalleled freedom and opportunity for personal growth. These can be much more of a challenge once in a long-term relationship and/or children are on the scene!

And most importantly, it helps to remind yourself that you're not on anyone else's timeline but your own. Your day-to-day happiness is much more important than being in a relationship, simply because you feel pressured.

Are you accidentally single shaming your own friends?

Because the idea that single = worse than in a relationship is so deeply rooted in our culture, we can even inadvertently single shame our own friends. When you're in a relationship it can be easy to look outwards at your friends and think, 'If she just did X,Y,Z I'm sure she could meet someone!’ However, your advice can only be well received if the person has come to you in the right headspace to listen.

It's important to never assume that just because a friend is unhappy because they are single, or that they're in a rush to change their relationship status or wanting to hear your advice. Remember we all have different journeys through life, different priorities and things that make us happy. While your relationship might make you happy, that won't be the same for everyone. Your friend may also be working through the process of meeting someone in their own space and time, so be conscious that they may already feel like they’re doing plenty to meet someone.

Think carefully about what you say, and save any well-meaning advice until it's asked for, basically.