My 2023 - Looking Back in Retrospect

As I sit here writing this post - its Christmas Eve, I have my Christmas tree within my eye frame with a Christmas movie on in the background. A picturesque scene, a pure Christmas afternoon vibe. Well, what a juxtaposition to what this year has been. They say bad things come in 3's and boy do they(!) This year has been the most mentally tough year yet for me. From leaving and letting go of a soul-sucking job (and now struggling with my own identify now that job is no longer part of me) to being open to the possibility of finally having a loving relationship with someone I cared very much about to have it crumble in front of my eyes before it even started and to top it all off turbulent times with my close family and realising that by just being related to someone does not fix the damage already done.

Last year I predicated 2023 would be a year of change and that was true. I finally did have the courage to leave a job I really did give everything to but gave me nothing in return except crippling anxiety that I had to address professionally, low confidence and self esteem (which I am still trying to unpack 9 months on). Deep down, I never wanted to leave my job, I did love it. Very much. But in the end, I couldn't cope and for the first time, I gave up which felt frustrating but also freeing. I also had to say goodbye to friends and even though I am still in touch with most of them, its still feels different. When you meet up again, you're not in the inner circle jokes or stories but I am grateful they are still in my life even though we don't see/speak as often. People, situations and seasons just change and we just have to move on too.

One thing I thought was certain this year was that I would have a partner by my side, but as fate would have it, I guess its in my destiny to walk this part of my life alone. At the beginning of the year, I felt my icy, cold heart start to defrost with the hope of new love and experiences. But the price of love is that its two ways, two people and in this case two sets of feelings and you can't change what the other person feels. It's hard to admit being heartbroken especially when it wasn't even something to get over. I think it hurts more as we were friends for a long time and if I come across a funny video or watch a good film I can't even message him to laugh about it and that is what I miss most. I really did think it could work but like most things in my life, I was wrong.

An ending of a year can and most of the time symbolise bright new beginnings and hope for the new year. Overall it has been difficult with many challenges however, with perseverance, hope and patience I can see traits within myself that have made me become more stronger, mature and hopeful for the future. I have learnt I can't control what is going to happen as the saying goes you have to let the 'chips fall where they may' and then the important part is how you play the cards you have been dealt. The debate over whether people change is an interesting one for me to observe because it seems like all I ever do is change. All I ever do is learn from my mistakes so I don't make the same ones again. Then I make new ones. I know people can change because it happens to me little by little every day. Every day I wake up as someone slightly new.