Unpacking Past Trauma & Letting Go

Let's say the last two years have been a whirlwind of so many emotions, I never thought one person could feel so much let alone all at the same time. These two years in particular have taught me I am much stronger than I give myself credit for. I delved deep into how I feeling and how how other people affected me so much.

Last year was a downward spiral where I finally let go of a toxic job, a toxic situationship, toxic friends and toxic family members. It was a lot to process and to this day I think back to who I was then and ask myself 'how did I do all that?' I guess as you get older you really can see why you can't be bothered with people and situations that just drain you. You really can make the choice to walk away, you just need to be brave enough to finally do it.

With leaving my job, i left a lot more than a job, I left people who i was comfortable with, a routine, and a sense of security. To this day, I do think about what my life would have been if i stayed. I believe I would still be angry, anxious and resentful. From leaving, I finally became a person I could look into the mirror and saw a hopeful and better person. However, healing is not linear, I still have days where I could go back to that chaos as I sometimes think that is what I deserve and having a calmer job environment is not what I was meant for. However, with time I am starting to accept good things and from that truly embracing the good.

Rejection in the romantic sense is truly brutal - especially when you genuinely thought this person was meant for you in every way possible - it still blows my mind how you can go from being so in sync then becoming strangers just like that. I still struggle so much that I didn't really get the closure I felt I needed. An explanation as to why it all went south might make me close this chapter completely. But then I realise, 'closure? for what?'. This person was clearly not meant for me, the awful communication, lack of honesty, and the lack of emotional intelligence makes me realise I deserve more and I'm worth more a man who can't even make a 7pm dinner on time. 

Narcissistic abuse was what I grew up with in my home, sadly I didn't realise this until my late teens that how we were living was not living. By the grace of God, we have created a home where it is calm, safe and a happy place to come back to after a long day at work. I feel like I am living out my wildest dreams in what should be a very simple staple in a person's life. I am grateful. I am safe. I am happy. What I've learnt in these two years is that if you remain truthful to yourself, you believe in yourself when no one else did - there is light at the end of a very dark tunnel - all we have to do is embrace in the good and embrace the present more than ever.

And to the woman I was...it does get better, you'll see.