My 2021 - Looking Back in Retrospect

The purpose of a retrospective is to look back at what you have achieved and learn from your past experiences. It’s not about finding a scapegoat, but rather about the question why something happened in a certain way and how you can improve that in the future. Ideally, you should work on solutions right away. But you shouldn’t only concentrate on the negative things, but also highlight successes: what worked great and what should you keep doing?

In some ways, 2021 was even more challenging than 2020; I think in every way possible - emotionally, physically and most of all mentally. Like in any dark period there will always be glimpses of light and that's what this year felt like; clinging on to the hope that something good will be around the corner when all seemed hopeless. This year has tested me in more ways than I can count and looking back its that you just have to go through these things when life throws curveballs your way. I don't think I have achieved the goals I wanted to and in some ways feel stuck and that is not a feeling I should feel especially at a young age. Looking towards 2022, things have to change in order for me to positively move forward with my life by starting looking after myself properly, making sure I have the right people around me and not putting up with people making me feel bad about myself. This year has seen people walk out of my life but on the other hand I have rekindled past relationships with friends and family which has bought me joy especially around the holidays 

I have found new hobbies and interests that have bought me great joy and help maintain my sanity especially in the 3rd Lockdown earlier this year and I hope to continue and grow on these in 2022. In terms of social media, a resolution of mine is to lay low this coming year as ultimately, we post photos online to curate what strangers think of us. But then we wake up, look in the mirror at our faces and see the cracks and scars and blemishes, and cringe. We hope someday we'll meet someone who will see that same morning face and instead see their future, their partner, their forever. Someone who will still choose us even when they see all of the sides of the story, all the angles of the kaleidoscope that is you. 

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, the most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more than that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say 'I love you.' When we should've said 'I'm sorry.' When we didn't stand up for ourselves or someone who needed help.

What you say might be too much for some people. Maybe it will come out all wrong and you’ll stutter and you’ll walk away embarrassed, wincing as you play it all back in your head. But I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the ones that will haunt you the longest.

There is a time for silence. There is a time waiting your turn. But if you know how you feel, and you so clearly know what you need to say, you’ll know it.

Here is one of my favorite poems that sums up this year perfectly for me and can truly relate to this more than ever before - it's time to let go and move on....

"If you're anything like me,

You bite your nails,

And laugh when you're nervous.

You promise people the world,

because that's what they want from you.

You like giving them what they want...

But darling, you need to stop,

If you're anything like me,

You knock on wood every time you make plans.

You cross your fingers, hold your breath,

Wish on lucky numbers and eyelashes

Your superstitions were the lone survivors of the shipwreck.

Rest In Peace, to your naive bravado...

If life gets too good now,

Darling, it scares you.

If you're anything like me,

You never wanted to lock your door,

Your secret garden gate or your diary drawer

Didn't want to face the you you don't know anymore

For fear she was much better before...

But Darling, now you have to.

If you're anything like me,

There's a justice system in your head

For names you'll never speak again,

And you make your ruthless rulings.

Each new enemy turns to steel

They become the bars that confine you,

In your own little golden prison cell...

But Darling, there is where you meet yourself.

If you're anything like me

You've grown to hate your pride

To love your thighs

And no amount of friends at 25

Will fill the empty seats

At the lunch tables of your past

The teams that picked you last...

But Darling, you keep trying.

If you're anything like me,

You couldn't recognize the face of your love

Until they stripped you of your shiny paint

Threw your victory flag away

And you saw the ones who wanted you anyway...

Darling, later on you will thank your stars

for that frightful day.

If you're anything like me,

I'm sorry.

But Darling, it's going to be okay."